


'Cause if you're going through hell...

by Teramina



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: 1x06, Angst, M/M, Some cute scenes but really I just like exploring the emotional depths of these characters, and with these two it goes very deep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8920303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teramina/pseuds/Teramina
Summary: ...you just keep going.
  Missing scene from 1x06, Lukas finds Philip after the party.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Don't drink an entire bottle of tequila, kids, you will get alcohol poisoning and it will not be fun for anyone involved. 
> 
> (Theme for early Philkas is Benny's  Boys will be Boys  because reasons)

Philip's head is woozy. He stumbles his way towards Rose's party, half a bottle of tequila in his hand, and every intention of finishing all of it.  
  
He doesn't really care about Rose, but Lukas is here, he was looking for Lukas, he needs to talk to Lukas.  
  
He lifts the bottle to his lips, spilling a decent amount down his chin. Why is he drinking again? Oh, right. Life is _shit_ .  
  
Philip is used to bad circumstances. He knows how to survive, you just... you go along with things. You keep your head down, and you don't start shit. And then when shit finds its way to you, you just, you block it out. If you fight, you get hurt. You deflect, you keep your ground.  
  
But it's not working. It's not... He can't hide in his room, it's not his room anymore. It's _theirs_. He can't run the sink, it's in _their_ house. He can't go see his mom, she's not there anymore. He's not safe anywhere. This is the only way to make it better.  
  
He drinks more tequila every time his thoughts get too loud.  
  
_Gabe and Helen don't trust you, never trusted you, you've been nothing but a burden to them._  
  
He knows it's true, but it still hurts, no matter how much booze is in his system.  
  
_And someone out there wants to kill you, has already killed at least five people, and he's not gonna stop, and no one will believe you._  
  
Maybe this time drowning his feelings will actually work.  
  
_And Lukas never cared about you, he hates you, he was just playing around with you and you were stupid enough to let him._  
  
His vision blurs and he stumbles again, nearly dropping the bottle.  
  
Lukas... He came here to see Lukas. He’s been ignoring Philip’s texts, but if Philip can just _talk_ to him, explain everything, then maybe it would be okay, maybe he hasn’t lost Lukas too.  
  
“Hey, have you seen Lukas?” he shouts at a random person he passes, not really stopping for an answer.  
  
“Have you seen Lukas?” He has to be around here somewhere.  
  
“Um, excuse me, invite only!"  
  
Wait, that’s Rose, what is she doing here, she’s not Lukas.  
  
No, no, why is she in his way, doesn’t she get he needs to see Lukas?  
  
She says something about leaving, but he’s not really listening, because he’s seen Lukas, and he needs to get to Lukas, and-  
  
“Lukas!”  
  
Lukas doesn’t even spare him a second glance, just shoves him back and tells him to get lost, before heading inside with Rose.  
  
...Alright, fine. So Lukas doesn’t give a shit about him either. Nothing new. It doesn’t hurt if he tells himself it doesn’t, he’s drunk enough to let the pain and the anger and the loneliness just all fade into a white noise in his brain.  
  
He walks back through the crowd to a chorus of “weirdo” and “loser”.  
  
He’s used to it. The bottle hurts, though, when it hits him. More cups and bottles fly in his direction as he keeps walking, and by the time he stumbles over to the car, it seems to have become a game for them, which just proves, really, that everyone hates him.  
  
No one would hold a memorial for him if _he_ died. They’d be glad to be rid of him. Would they even tell his mom? Probably not, not straight away, not when she was finally in rehab. She wouldn’t know, and no one else would care.  
  
He’s thought about killing himself before. Thought about it when his mom’s boyfriends would hit him and she wouldn’t - or couldn’t - do anything to stop them. Thought about it when his mom got so bad he barely even recognised her anymore. Thought about it when they took him away from her, and he was left alone. But in the end, there was always someone he needed to be strong for. First it was his mom, then it was Lukas, now… he doesn’t know.  
  
But maybe it won’t even matter, because there’s a killer out there who might do it for him. Or maybe if he drinks enough, he just won’t wake up. He can just fade into the alcohol, without having to worry about killers and painful deaths and the even worse pain of knowing that everyone in his life has abandoned him. And what’s the point of living when he has no one to live for?  
  
It’s how kids like him always end up, alone, broken, on a path of self destruction. At the point where you finally realise that you have _nothing_ , that you _are_ nothing, well, what is there left to do but drink? 

\---  
  
Lukas has been on edge all evening, and it only got worse when Philip showed up, drunk off his ass, wanting to talk to him. Lukas had no choice but to push him away, Philip knows how important it is that they not be seen together. But it doesn't change how horribly guilty he feels over the whole situation.  
  
It started at dinner, really. He was anxious to get out of there, so he panicked, told his dad exactly what he wanted to hear.  
  
He had expected Philip to defend himself. It's what Lukas would have done, deny any and all accusations until the whole situation blows over. The best way to fix a situation is to get out in front of it, scare people off so they don't look too closely, to act first and let everyone work to your terms.  
  
But Philip hadn't even argued with him. Just accepted the accusations with barely a word.  
  
No doubt Helen and Gabe had flipped their shit at him, it’s what Lukas would expect from his own dad. And… yeah he feels guilty about that, too.  
  
Lukas is kind of scared of trying to explain this one to Philip. He’s been ignoring him for two days now, and he’s had his phone turned off ever since he received a text that simply read “ne s  dto talkb to yu”. But the problem just kept following him, and now Philip was _here_.  
  
Lukas was only half paying attention to the conversation around him. His thoughts kept crawling back to Philip, only here because of him, horrifically drunk, because of him, outside by himself where god knows what could happen - because of him. Lukas had seen Philip drunk before, but never like this. He didn’t want to know how much pain Philip had to be in right now, because it would only serve to reinforce the fact that all this - all of it - was his fault.  
  
Philip deserved better than him. Hell, Rose deserved better than him. Even his dad deserved a son that wasn’t so _different_ , didn’t have so many issues.  
  
He doesn’t talk much for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neither Philip nor Lukas are reliable narrators, so the majority of inconsistencies can be chalked up to their own interpretation of events. (Any others you spot are accidental but whatever I've watched this episode way too many times already, so just go with it.)
> 
> There is a larger part two to this, which is where most of the actual missing scene part comes in, but I'm posting this now to give myself motivation to actually finish it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, Lukas has these two great conflicting qualities in that he refuses to take responsibility for anything, but also he blames himself for everything. Which makes him a really interesting character, but also absolute hell to write. Why did I make this entire chapter from his point of view. Why.
> 
> (Next time I'll write something where Philip is not drunk and therefore a coherent narrator, he is so much easier to write for.)

Rose's party officially ended at 1, but it's another hour or so before they get rid of all the stragglers still hanging around. Rose offers to let Lukas spend the night, but he waves her off, citing his dad as the reason he needs to get back. She looks disappointed, but lets him leave.  
  
Lukas waits until the door is shut firmly behind him before he risks looking around for Philip. He may have been tired before, but now he's alert and on edge, hoping Philip is still okay, and that he hasn't strayed too far.  
  
He gets one out of two. Philip is huddled behind someone's car, curled in on himself in the grass. His eyes are shut, fingers closed around an empty bottle of tequila. Plastic cups and broken beer bottles litter the ground around him, and Lukas has to quash even more nauseating guilt when he realises they were probably thrown.   
  
Philip is still breathing - Lukas checked, twice - but his hands are ice cold, and even though summer's just barely turning to fall, lying for hours in wet grass can't be good for him.   
  
_Your fault_ , his brain reminds him.  
  
_Shut the fuck up_ , he shoots back, looking back at the house to make sure no one's watching, before lifting Philip into a sitting position and leaning him against the car. He slaps Philip’s face gently, trying to get him to wake up.  
  
He needs him to wake up. Philip’s not exactly the heaviest person around, but Lukas doubts he could carry him out of here without drawing too much attention to the two of them. And Rose seeing them is just… not even an option.  
  
Philip does come to after a moment, looking around blearily to get his bearings, before his eyes settle on Lukas. His expression is one of muted betrayal, his jaw tightening and fixing Lukas with a dead eyed stare, or at least the closest he can manage, considering how wasted he is. He doesn’t say anything.  
  
Lukas holds his gaze for only a second, before looking away, tapping his fingers against his boot as he weighs his options, then makes a quick decision.  
  
“Okay, okay, come on,” he says, reaching out to try and help Philip to his feet. “We need to get you home, we need to-”  
  
“No-no. No.” Philip’s reaction is panicked, pushing Lukas’ arm away and trying to scoot backwards without the room to move, banging his back against the car before he realises his mistake. “Not there, I’m- ’m not going back there.”  
  
Shit. This is worse than he thought. And the tequila - did Philip drink the whole thing? That’s not good, right?  
  
“Well you can’t stay here, so what are we gonna do?”  
  
Philip shrugs at him like it’s a challenge, jostling his whole body with the movement, before his gaze drops away to stare into the distance, his expression falling into something much sadder.  
  
Lukas needs to get him out of here, not just because they’re risking being seen, but also to make sure Philip’s actually okay, and not at risk of alcohol poisoning, or hypothermia.  
  
He doesn’t think arguing is gonna cut it, though. Philip’s really not capable of rational thought in this state, and the fact that right now Lukas is the more mentally stable of the two doesn’t exactly fill him with confidence.  
  
Fuck it, when in doubt, don’t think about it.  
  
“Okay fine, we’ll go somewhere else, but we gotta go, now.” He loops his arm under Philip’s to try and pull him upright, and much to his relief, Philip doesn’t protest, much. “Can you walk? You’re not gonna puke on me?” He asks, his tone possibly trying for a joke, but it mostly falls flat.  
  
“Why, would it ruin your _reputation?_ ” Philip mumbles, though still loud enough for Lukas to hear.  
  
Okay… that hurt, but Lukas swallows it down. He needs to just focus on getting out of here, once Philip is somewhere safe, then they can talk. Or try to. Or whatever awkwardness will inevitably take place.  
  
Getting Philip on the bike is nearly impossible, considering his coordination is completely shot, but they manage something that will work for short distances, provided Lukas rides slowly and doesn’t take too many sharp corners. True to his word, he doesn’t take Philip back to Helen and Gabe’s - Philip will panic the moment he realises, and after the stunt Lukas pulled at dinner, it’s probably for the best anyway.  
  
He does take him back to his place. Not the house, that would be too risky, but he parks the bike up by one of the barns, counting on the fact that his dad will be asleep until sunrise, and the sound of the bike won’t wake him (it won’t, Lukas has experience).  
  
He helps Philip inside, grabbing a couple of blankets stashed in the corner and spreading one out on the floor for the two of them to sit on, and wrapping the other around Philip’s shoulders. Philip hasn’t said anything the entire time, but he allows it. Then again, Lukas isn’t entirely sure how aware he is of what’s actually happening. He’s still awake though, and he hasn’t thrown up anywhere yet, which thankfully means Lukas probably doesn’t have to take him to the hospital. There’s still the issue of getting Philip to go home, however, given he can’t stay here forever, and no matter what happened, Philip can’t just avoid his foster parents. Lukas doesn’t know about Helen, but Gabe at least is a good person, he’s sure of that.  
  
He gets straight to the point.  
  
“You know you gotta go home eventually, right?”  
  
“S’not home.” Philip replies, his head turned away from Lukas.  
  
How the hell is Lukas supposed to counter that one?  
  
“Okay, well, you still live there, right? And Helen and Gabe are probably freaking out.”  
  
“Don’t care.”  
  
“Yeah, well, they care about you, right?”  
  
Philip doesn’t say anything at that. Lukas doesn’t have any more good arguments, so the two fall silent for a while.  
  
Lukas has so many things he wants to say to Philip, but he doesn’t have the right words for any of them. And especially now, when Philip’s barely conscious and probably won’t remember it, what’s the point? And yet maybe this is the best time to say everything, for exactly those reasons.

He doesn’t know where to begin.

_‘I’m sorry’_?

_‘I never meant to put you through this’_?

_…‘I need you’_ ?  
  
He goes for the easiest option, addressing Philip but talking mostly aloud to himself.  
  
“Listen, Philip, I’m sorry, about earlier. I know you won’t remember this, which is, probably a good thing, but you gotta know I never wanted to hurt you. I just- my dad- I can’t always be the person I wanna be, you know? And I got things to think about, my reputation matters around here, they need me to be the perfect kid, with the perfect grades and the perfect girlfriend and I just, I don’t know how to make you a part of that. You act like it’s so easy but it’s not, I never wanted to be like this and I just… I mean… meeting you, liking you, I don’t regret that, but it’s hard, and I- and I make mistakes and I have to live with that, but you shouldn’t have to, and I’m really sorry.”  
  
Philip doesn’t respond for at least a full minute. Lukas almost thinks he’s fallen asleep, until Philip actually speaks.  
  
“You don’t… you don’t hate me, do you?” His voice is quiet, still slurred from the alcohol, so it takes Lukas a few seconds to actually process what was said.  
  
“What? Dude, no, of course not.” But he’s definitely given Philip reason to think that, hasn’t he? Shit.  
  
“Hey, hey, come here.”  He pulls Philip into a hug, gently kissing his forehead. “Life sucks, okay? And a lot of things aren’t great right now, but none of that is on you. And sure, I was pissed at you for telling Helen, but we can talk about that later, like you wanted, right now we-”  
  
“Told Helen… ‘cause I was worried about you,” Philip interrupts, not looking at him, instead staring at his own hands as he absentmindedly taps his fingers against Lukas’ knee.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Didn’t want… thought you were gonna kill yourself. Don’t wanna lose you.”  
  
And Lukas’ mind goes back to three nights ago, the last time he texted Philip. He’d been doing badly for ages, but that night… he was gonna do it. He’d had the gun, he’d held it to his head, and just stood there, thinking about how overwhelming everything was and how he just wanted it to _end_ . But then his dad had called him and he’d chickened out and hid the gun. He still thinks about it when things get bad, but that night was definitely the worst, and Philip definitely didn’t need to know how close he’d come. He leans his head against Philip’s, taking Philip’s hand and holding it close to him.  
  
“Hey, I’m- I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”  
  
“You sure?” Philip asks, sounding more nervous than Lukas has ever heard him.  
  
Lukas pauses, finding it difficult to form words over the emotion building in his throat. He doesn’t know if this is a promise he can keep, but for Philip, he’s willing to try.  
  
“…Yeah, yeah I’m sure.”  
  
“Okay.” Philip responds after a moment. He still sounds doubtful, but it’s a start.  
  
“Can we talk about you going home now?”  
  
“Don’t wanna,” Philip mumbles.  
  
Well, it’s not a definite _no_ .  
  
“Is it Helen and Gabe? Were they really mad at you?”  
  
Philip shifts a little, turning himself slightly away to lean more into Lukas’ shoulder. Lukas traces his fingers along Philip’s arm, a small gesture, but one that he hopes is calming.  
  
“Don’t know… left after dinner… couldn’t- couldn’t stay there. They don’t want me.”  
  
“They took you in, didn’t they? I’m pretty sure that means they want you around.”   
  
“They don’t- they don’t trust me… always think I’m lying.”  
  
At least part of that last statement is Lukas’ fault. He knows he was just doing what he had to, he didn’t have a choice, but he’s still been a dick to Philip lately. He just wishes this whole situation would go away, that he could just concentrate on school and Motocross and Philip, without murderers and cops and his dad and the way his brain just refuses to focus lately. He’d be fine if everything would just _stop_ , just for a bit. But this isn’t about him, it’s about Philip.  
  
“Hey, listen man, parents suck,” he begins. God, he has no idea what to say. Advice really isn’t his strong suit. Philip’s the one with his head on straight, except apparently it’s not, he’s just really good at bullshitting everyone into believing that. “And… I know with Helen and Gabe you’re still kinda new to this, right? So it’s gotta be even harder. And yeah, they fucked up. But you gotta give them a chance to get better.”  
  
“They won’t _get_ better… people don’t change, they say they will and they just- they don’t.”  
  
“I did. I mean… about us.”  
  
Philip doesn’t say anything, but he makes it pretty clear he doesn’t believe him.  
  
“Look, I get it if you don’t wanna trust Helen. I probably wouldn’t either. But at least give Gabe a chance before you decide to take off to god knows where, alright?”  
  
Philip makes a non-committal noise, folding his arms over his chest.  
  
“Is that a yes?”  
  
“Whatever.”  
  
Yeah this conversation definitely isn’t over, but it’s enough for now, at least confirmation that he’s willing to go back to his foster parents’ house, even if he doesn’t think of it as his.  
  
Lukas has more he wants to say, but he can tell Philip’s started checking out of this conversation, he’s drowsy, leaning heavily on Lukas, and his general expression has gone from upset to kinda spacey. It’s not surprising - they’ve been up nearly all night, he probably would have been tired even if he hadn’t spent the evening drowning his problems.  
  
They sit in silence for a while, Lukas with his arm around Philip, some tension still in the air but not nearly as much as there had been before. It’s only when the sun starts to peek over the horizon that Lukas realises they should get out of there before someone finds them.  
  
“Come on, let’s get you home.”  
  
He pulls Philip up and starts walking him towards the bike, trusting he’ll be able to cover his tracks when he gets back - if he tells his dad he was at Rose's, he won't bother following up on it.  
  
He’s still thinking of what Philip said when they leave - they’ve both been in pretty bad situations lately, but Lukas can’t pretend like he’s been making things easier for Philip. He’s trying not to work himself into a panic over this - he still owes Philip about 500 apologies, but if he keeps distracting himself, if he has something to focus on, it makes it slightly easier not to think about the guilt. Right now, it’s getting Philip home. Later today he has the meeting about the Motocross sponsorship, which he’s both excited and nervous about, and that’ll help distract him too. He doesn’t know what they’re going to do about anything in the long term, but so far he’s surviving. And he’ll talk to Philip properly later.  
  
For now though, he just has to keep going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have plans for other Eyewitness fics after that finale, mostly involving that month of missing space bc there is so much angst potential there.
> 
> But who knows if that'll get finished, and it'll definitely have to wait until the whole Christmas thing dies down a bit, because I have zero time this time of year. (And yet here I am procrastinating with this fic. Ah well, it's over now, and thus no one can criticise me.)


End file.
